Spike Milligan

• On The Goon Show, "We all had this sort of lunatic sense of humour. We turned everything into imbecility, doing things like climbing Mount Everest from the inside."
• On his refusal to swear the oath of allegiance, which deprived him of a British passport, When Prince Charles pointed out that even he had to swear the oath and urged him to think again, Milligan said: "Yes, but it's your mother isn't it? You don't get board and lodging at Buckingham Palace if you don't swear an oath."
• On Caesar, He ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
• On cash, Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
• On heaven, "I'd like to go there. But if Jeffrey Archer is there I want to go to Lewisham."
• On modern comedy, "I watch American comedies and they are as funny as a baby with cancer."
• To Sir Harry Secombe, "I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral."
• On death, "I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
• On receiving an honorary CBE in 1992, "I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a commander of the British empire. They might as well make me a commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists!"

Clint Eastwood

• On oneself, A mans gotta know his limitations
• On anger, I better leave before you go and lose your temper.
• On public opinion, Opinions are like ass-holes… everbodys got one.
• On ethnicity, BURT: 'Don't take no offence from Harry, He hates niggers, wops, spooks, kikes… hell Harry hates everybody' HARRY: 'Yeah… you can say I'm a equal opportunities racist'.
• On people roles, There are two types of people in this life my friend… Those with a noose around their neck, and those that have the job of cutting.

Woody Allen

• On life, I don't want to achieve immortality threw my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.
• In living on the silver screen, I'd rather live on in my apartment.
• On the spiritural world, Human Beings are divided by mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
• On death, On the plus side it's one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down.
• On God, Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekend.

Bruce Lee

• On oneself, To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.
• On patience, Do not run away; let go. Do not seek, for it will come when least expected.
• On the truth, The perfect way is only difficult for those who pick and choose. Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. Make a hairbreadth difference and heaven and earth are set apart; if you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between "for" and "against" is the mind's worst disease.
• On immortality, The key to immortality is first to live a life worth remembering.
• On Jeet Kune Do, The consciousness of self is the greatest hindrance to the proper execution of all physical action. There is no fixed teaching. All I can provide is an appropriate medicine for a particular ailment.
• On understanding, When you point to the moon, what do you see in front of your finger; Your task is to feel, not to think, when you can understand that the lesson will be learned.

Eric Morecombe

• On his musical ability, I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
• On borrowing, My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Peter Sellers

• On himself, There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.
• In the film Dr. Strangelove, You can't fight in here....this is the War Room!!
• On setting off the bomb, We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?
• On unneaded speaking, Conversation like television set on honeymoon...unnecessary

Peter Cook

• On learning by his mistakes, I think I have, yes, and I think I can probably repeat them almost perfectly. I know my mistakes inside out.
• On sucess, There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top.
• On his knob, Do you think you can get tax relief on an unemployed knob?
• On sex and religion, I wrote to the council of churches the other day, and told them about this F%^king bible (especially St. Paul)... gives me the F^&*ing horn... I wrote, ya know... civil to them at the council of chrurches and I said 'Dear cunt's in charge of religion, ya know... familiar, freindly like... I said your f%^king guide book.. or whatever the f^$king thing is, don't half give me the horn... I get horny... especialy on Saint Paul...' and I got No reply what-so-ever on that... CUNTS. No wonder church attendance is droping.